I’m not going to remember 18-22 the way I thought I would. I’m going to forget the intensity of it and the passion and love I felt for it. And somehow, it’s happening already. I know this by the way I’m writing about it and the lack of anything I feel for it. Am I just fleeting? From love to love? I just see life that way now. I feel bad for people who don’t document their adventures via writing. How can you remember the feeling of it all otherwise?
I’m drawn to you in a way that makes me look like I’m more naive than I actually am. The romantic sentiments or analysis of character always win with me. People constantly mistake my need for beauty and idealism as naive. Unless I just think they do. But really, I think I will always take what is most beautiful and idealistic in this world, instead of real. The waters are calm and peaceful that way. Everything is generally a bunch of bullshit anyway, why not just pretend.
All of a sudden, I believe in people again. I believe in the idea that someone somewhere out there is so much better off being with me, because I would accept them, yet push them in all the right ways to reach their potential. I didn’t want to admit being a slave to time, and that my love was larger than all the rest. But it just wasn’t. An initial sad feeling of that and my blindness to it, was all my pride standing in the way of me realizing what is still out there for me in this world. It’s so exciting and beautiful and scary and just meant to be. A big ol mess.
That euphoric feeling that comes with the impending autumn, brings with it a 20 degree drop in temperature at night, and an everlasting ache to return to a place that was only allowed to be mine for four years. Fall in New England is different than fall anywhere else. The first week of September was when we would galavant like campus nomads with whatever alcohol we were greeted with or could swindle, just because. There never was a more freeing feeling than being able to live in such a beautiful little world whilst finding my niche in psychology and history, yet still being free enough to have consistent wine wednesdays.. sometimes wednesday through sunday (but that’s a whole other ordeal). Then September 3rd happened. My future changed that day, just from galavanting at the right/wrong place at the right/wrong time (depending on how you look at it). I don’t idealize it the way I used to. All I know is that this slight drop in the air brings that everlasting free feeling. Except now, I don’t go back to New England and greet fall with wide eyes. Like I said, fall in New England is different than fall anywhere else, and I can’t help but think that I’m missing out.
I still find myself wishing you were next to me. You know, when things were good. That’s what it’s supposed to be like. And maybe I idealize, but not a lot of people get a best friend like that. Why am I the half that knows? So much has happened to me this year and I’ve changed in the best ways possible, but it’s almost like my memories are not concrete. I remember things but I can’t put a feeling next to them, so they just float around in my head with no significance. Not all of them. There are a few where I actually felt really happy and alive, but most I can re-watch and get nothing of satisfaction, except knowing that it happened. I just turned all the feelings off and although it’s easier, I see how detrimental that actually is in the long run. I just don’t know how to turn them back on. I don’t give it away often, but man when I love you, it’s for life. Whether I like it or not.
“It was real, wasn’t it? You and me. Such a long time ago, we were just a couple of kids. But we really loved each other, didn’t we?”
I keep accomplishing things but my memories stop where we left off. I’m scared I’ll be stuck there forever, waiting. Until the next significant memories begin. I’m moving but not retaining until that feeling is back. I just don’t know if you’re the only one to give it to me or not.
I’m obsessed with how many people I’m allowed to call my best friends throughout this lifetime. Seriously, blessed.