That euphoric feeling that comes with the impending autumn, brings with it a 20 degree drop in temperature at night, and an everlasting ache to return to a place that was only allowed to be mine for four years. Fall in New England is different than fall anywhere else. The first week of September was when we would galavant like campus nomads with whatever alcohol we were greeted with or could swindle, just because. There never was a more freeing feeling than being able to live in such a beautiful little world whilst finding my niche in psychology and history, yet still being free enough to have consistent wine wednesdays.. sometimes wednesday through sunday (but that’s a whole other ordeal). Then September 3rd happened. My future changed that day, just from galavanting at the right/wrong place at the right/wrong time (depending on how you look at it). I don’t idealize it the way I used to. All I know is that this slight drop in the air brings that everlasting free feeling. Except now, I don’t go back to New England and greet fall with wide eyes. Like I said, fall in New England is different than fall anywhere else, and I can’t help but think that I’m missing out.

I still find myself wishing you were next to me. You know, when things were good. That’s what it’s supposed to be like. And maybe I idealize, but not a lot of people get a best friend like that. Why am I the half that knows? So much has happened to me this year and I’ve changed in the best ways possible, but it’s almost like my memories are not concrete. I remember things but I can’t put a feeling next to them, so they just float around in my head with no significance. Not all of them. There are a few where I actually felt really happy and alive, but most I can re-watch and get nothing of satisfaction, except knowing that it happened. I just turned all the feelings off and although it’s easier, I see how detrimental that actually is in the long run. I just don’t know how to turn them back on. I don’t give it away often, but man when I love you, it’s for life. Whether I like it or not.

“It was real, wasn’t it? You and me. Such a long time ago, we were just a couple of kids. But we really loved each other, didn’t we?”

I keep accomplishing things but my memories stop where we left off. I’m scared I’ll be stuck there forever, waiting. Until the next significant memories begin. I’m moving but not retaining until that feeling is back. I just don’t know if you’re the only one to give it to me or not.

The only reason a girl needs a boyfriend in this world is the fact that her friends will always choose their boyfriends first and what is she left with? She can only go be left with a boyfriend. While guys don’t have this issue because they are way more apt to choose their friends. Logical and sickening all at once.

I’m obsessed with how many people I’m allowed to call my best friends throughout this lifetime. Seriously, blessed.

He has a place in my heart forever, and I need to accept that and move forward. This is where black and white thinking becomes a problem.

I’ve been in a serious funk this last week over memories. There is no remedy for memory. Sometimes I can’t even remember you and right now it’s all so vivid and it’s painful and I want it to go away. Maybe it’s the change in season. Maybe I just haven’t had constant distraction or new opportunities to see myself through other people, so I fall back on the last best thing. I need a new best thing; a better thing. It also doesn’t help to know how adamant you are about getting over me. I’m pretty much just sitting here quietly, minding my own business, giving no signs of hating you. You cut me out, and it hurts to know the actual capability of not only people, but a person who loved you. Maybe I should just take it as a compliment.. that to accomplish getting over me you have to go to great lengths to pretend I don’t exist.

"You never left my side, and then I just left you. I bet you sat there wondering what you’d done wrong."


But the things that we have with each other, I don’t have with any other person. With any other human being apart from you.