tangiblehearts

I think I’ve shut it off and just pretend. I shouldn’t begin to think much about it because I will experience last semester all over again and to endure that again would ruin me and my precious time.

When am I being myself? When I’m alone. I don’t have much time to be alone lately and I don’t know who I am. I turn into the people I surround myself with until I feel like running away. I want to run away today.

It’s really easy to say you are happy when you keep yourself so busy that you don’t have a minute to think. But the real test is when you are alone with your thoughts to look at yourself and where you are in life at this very moment, and to feel calm. I like to think I am but I don’t really have a minute to fully understand where I am. Right now I like to believe I have found balance in all places of my life and that gives me peace. The everyday hustle and bustle of little things will always keep stress around, but in the grand scheme, I feel more peace. Spring weather can only make me feel even better.

“And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn’t.”

A prayer for the wild at heart, kept in cages.

It’s just too painful. How can anything be this painful?

I think that if someone loves you they will keep your innocent idealism in tact as long as they can. I was so idealistic towards love and now I see it as something that just can’t be beautiful. Any thoughts or ideas I once had of love have been painfully ripped away from me and now I don’t really expect much. I’m just really mad that it’s gone and that you wanted it gone because that was the best part.

But maybe none of that is real. I guess I just don’t really know what is meant to be real or maybe I don’t want to give up on the idealism of it.